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MaskAutopilot driving me
It's not me, I can't even see
I'm spewing emotion and bleeding poetry
It'd be killing me
But we're way beyond that now
The mask is taking over me
Becoming me, I can't breathe
I'm caging emotion and killing poetry
It'd be killing me
But nothing can kill me now
Maybe you'll regret it when you find
The real me gone
And this left behind
The invisible girl could take no more
It hid her away
It bolted the door
Her heart was too tender
Her emotions too raw
Because no one really knew her
No one really saw
And the pain was driving her out of her head
She had two choices
Become the monster
Or wind up dead
So remember this story when you one day see
That coldness has replaced the warmth in me
That my eyes are empty
My laughter hollow
I was gentle once
But this world swallows gentle up like a whore.
The Invisible GirlThe invisble girl could never be seen
No matter how hard she tried
The invisble girl would go home alone
And in the silence of the night
She would cry
And no one ever held her
Because they couldn't see her there
And no one knew she existed
So they didn't know to care
The invisible girl grew older and colder
Her tear ducts shriveled away
For every girl must one day grow up
And then grow old one day
Still no one ever held her
But she slowly learned not to care
And if you look very hard you'll almost see her
But she isn't really there
For the invisible girl
Is invisible no more
But she isn't real
She's just a ghost
ImaginaryI can't take my eyes off you
And you're blinding me
I can't breathe without you
And it's killing me
I'm dying being tied to you
But I'd die if you set me free
This imaginary love
Will be the death of me
It's like I'm living with a ghost
Something only I can see
Pretending you are here
And that you give a damn
Is destroying all I have
It's changing who I am
I can't get my mind off you
It drives me crazy
I can't live without you
But you don't need me
I'm dying just to be with you
But you never even see me
Maybe I'm imaginary too.
Insomniac5:00am and I can't sleep
Someone has to keep
These ghosts company
So again I wait for daylight
Seems I belong to the night
Just the music and blank pages
So spare me a thought
As you drift off to dreams
Cozy in your bed
While I'm here with ragged seams;
Don't worry your slow-sinking
Sleep enveloped mind
About how I've ended up here
And if I'll be alright
It's how I've always been
It's what I've always done
I'll take the moon
You can have the sun.
WordsThese words tumble inside my head
Dancing dangerously close to the tip of my tongue
Demanding not just voice but action
To become more than words
Something real, something true
So I shut my mouth and shut my eyes
Growing to despise these words
And the inevitable pain they signify
No choice is still a choice
But I have no choice at all
No voice at all
Or rather, a voice with false words
To mask the truth
That the real words stay silent
Because they mean nothing to you
The ButterfliesThe butterflies always die in my ribcage
Because the air keeps getting knocked out of me
And my heart isn't broken but it's breaking
Every time my eyes see, my lips speak,
My mind thinks of this dream
This dream like black velvet in summer
Beautiful and yet uncomfortable
It keeps the air from reaching me.
It holds me in and I can't get free
But oh how exquisite the torture is.
The sleeplessness, the restlessness
The slow suffocation of
A soul living for a dying ember
Of something that never could be.
wilting flowersShe only ever loved the wilting flowers
She said their color was more beautiful
Their fragrance sweeter
Because they only had so long left to bloom
And she mourned them terribly
When they had gone
TonightTonight I'm feeling old and broken
Like I'm underwater and love is a voice that seems so far away
Gone is the romantic with a stomach full of tiny fluttering wings
Replaced with this cynic with a damaged heart.
The price of believing became too high
When it took all I had the first time to survive.
So here I sit, music and words and the moments before dawn
And these will be my companions so I will never be alone.
PoetryThe poetry has been bled from me
For too long
Writing circles around the facts
Pretty words to hide the ugly truth
So that now
As revelations are made
And old facades come tumbling down
I have no more poems inside
Stark, bare, uncomfortable
Living poetry instead of writing it
My words used now
To tell my story
So I suppose poetry will have to wait.
ViolinI remember the day
you told me violins
were strung with cat gut
and that is why
you hated music
(who says that to a child?)
I followed you
all that summer.
I watched you
grow away from mother -
your whiskey held better conversations
and all she did was cry.
We'd sit cross-legged on the porch
and count the horseflies
settling on our lunch.
You would drown tadpoles
in a bucket
surprised they could not swim
and I would dream
of cherry popsicles.
And when night would gather
on the sidewalk
I'd hold my breath
until a star appeared.
Don't bother making wishes
you'd tell me -
stars are dead weight in heaven
and God has cloth ears.
My School Says I'm Worthless (sort of a rant)I'm a criminal because my values aren't their values
And I'm scum to say the least
Because I'm not on their list
Ones who have their lives set out
And drink from molten glory raining down from
School top balconies...
And I have myself left to blame for all the non-attempts
And truancies; the bleak distractions
That help me escape the inviolable test-score stares
Of disapproval that I attract from their
And they're forced to ask me 'Why?
Why are you still here?'
And I can barely say
That I'm afraid to leave.
That I know that no-one knows
Or what they want to be
But unlike those
I gave up
A while ago
And they can't tell me to my face that I'm a failure so they heavily imply
That my lacking presence
And even less impressive
Tendency for slacking off is evidence
That I am stupid and a fool and nothing more than such a waste of resources
And it's a disappointment
That I don't hold their ideals
VesselYour heart is a compass.
Broken, perhaps, but I know
It’s always searching for the North Star.
Which way will your beard point tonight?
DanielYou are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium
that does not make you the lesser -
You’ve got the weight of the world
on one shoulder
sometimes you trip because of it -
you’re still walking
and if things fused wrong
post or anterior
and if things fused out in the interior
your circuits live on
and if your thoughts get circular
or so do your moods
and your mind blanks and you forget -
you’re nervous but strong -
then I’ll remind you.
Because you give me
the backbone required
you’re my Atlas, so I lift my head,
you’re my axis, so I can face the future
because you are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium.
You’re my inner strength.
FallingFailure after failure
A life not worth living
Lost in my misery
Long gone are the good moments
I keep falling
Nothing can save me now
Gone my hopes are
Because He'sHe’s listening
Millions of them.
A flash of red
And a navy hat
No warning – now motionless
With skin turned to shadows.
UnrequitedBorrowed arms envelope me tightly
And for a moment I am safe
The fantasy lasts for just this instant
And then you pull your arms away
Beating of my heart out of rhythm
Resounds hollowly in my ears
The beating of a heart I'll never hold
Threatens to shake loose these tears
So I close my eyes and breathe in deeply
Before once more you take your leave
Open my eyes to watch your departure
And feel the breath knocked out of me
Nine TimesI saw him nine times.
The first time we were both sitting in the room together, getting ready to take the math test that would determine our placement. I was scatterbrained and throwing things around, trying to find the pencils that I had known I would need but had still just tossed in my purse. He was lounging backwards in his chair, looking for all the world as though he didn’t have a single care in the world, including the upcoming test. It annoyed me, that I was frantic and ready to scream, while someone else could be that relaxed.
I tested out of the class.
I don’t know if he did.
The second time I saw him, it was a few months after I arrived on campus. He was the one rushing and frantic this time, running across the square. He was probably late for class, though I had no way of knowing for sure. I was already lost in my own thoughts and ideas, deciding on my major and convincing people that yes, this is what I really want to do with my life. If they weren
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